I don’t gamble on sports. Too many statistics to mull over. Too many variables to consider. Too many terms to learn. Too many guys named Vinny hanging around the race and sports book.
Too many guys like Frank Tate trying to make a living with their fists.
Frank Tate is the reason I don’t gamble on sports. During the late 1980s, Tate was an up-and-coming fighter who was a “sure thing” against another up-and-coming fighter named Michael Nunn. Or so said one of the wise guys hanging around the training camps — I think his name might have been Vinny — who had convinced everybody in the sports department that Tate was catching live chickens with his bare hands behind the Caesars Palace sports pavilion.
Guys were digging in their sofa cushions for money. We ponied up everything we had and put it on Tate.
Nunn knocked him out in the ninth round.
That was the last time I bet on sports. That is, until Friday, when the Sun’s Jeff Haney, who is to sports betting what Frank Tate wasn’t to prize fighting, went to change into his cargo pants, T-shirt, Asics and baseball cap with the logo of a casino in the Bahamas on front — because, he’ll tell you, that’s what everybody who bets on sports wears to the wagering window. He had left his Super Bowl XLII wagers unprotected on his desk, next to one of those thick betting magazines with Jim Feist’s picture on nearly every page, which he uses as a paperweight.
I simply could not resist the temptation. It was like discovering a girlie magazine in your old man’s sock drawer. How could you not take a peek?
But this was even better than an air-brushed photograph of Miss February. This was like copying off the valedictorian during final exams. If Haney says bet it, you bet it, because I’ve seen his Asics, and they look like they just came out of the box.
So here goes everything, or at least the $17.48 I withdrew from the sofa cushions (along with a remote to an old VCR, a set of car keys, a can of aerosol cheese and something that once might have been a pretzel).
1. Patriots minus 13 points in the game (risk $105 to win $100).
Haney: Respected Las Vegas sports handicapper and author Andy Iskoe predicted in his newsletter, “The Logical Approach,” a 63-13 victory for New England. I don’t want to stand in front of that freight train.
Kantowski: That dull thud you heard was the sound a freight train makes when it runs over a respected Las Vegas sports handicapper.
2. Team to use coach’s challenge first: Giants (risk $110 to win $100).
Haney: A tossup, but figure if it comes to using the challenge as a desperation measure, the Giants are more likely to be desperate.
Kantowski:Bill Belichick was first to toss the red flag, claiming the Giants had too many players on the field on a Patriots punt. He was right. So some guy named Chase Blackburn will probably start training camp next year by running a bunch of wind sprints.
3. Eli Manning’s first pass will be incomplete (risk $100 to net $160).
Haney:I made this line a little lower and can’t resist the value.
Kantowski:Eli’s coming, so hide your ... betting slip that said he wouldn’t complete his first pass. Actually, just tear it up. He completed his first two passes. And his last one. I’m kicking myself for making this bet, like Peyton kicked Eli when Archie wasn’t looking on their field trip to ESPN.
4. Number of different Patriots with a rushing attempt: over 3 1/2 (risk $270 to win $100).
Haney: The over would have cashed in 16 of 18 of New England’s games leading to the Super Bowl. A flea-flicker or some sort of trick play could boost the total.
Kantowski:The junior varsity running backs don’t get to play when the varsity scores only two touchdowns.
5. Wes Welker to score a touchdown before Plaxico Burress does (risk $145 to win $100).
Haney: The Patriots figure to come out firing with their passing attack.
Kantowski: They did, but although Welker got them close, he didn’t get them in. Plaxico got off the bus just in time.
6. Jersey number of first player to score a touchdown over 43 1/2 (risk $110 to win $100).
Haney: Well, it won’t be a push. Too bad we’re not allowed to parlay with No. 5. Go, Patriots receivers.
Kantowski:Where’s William Perry when you need him? Instead of handing the ball to some overweight interior lineman with a jersey number that matches his cholesterol level, Tom Brady handed it to Laurence Maroney, No. 39, inside the one.
7. Who will have more points: Patriots (minus 1/2) over Kobe Bryant (risk $110 to win $100). (Kobe 30 points vs. Wash.)
Haney: This prop deserves action only because it’s clean, elegant and easy to understand — no adding 43 1/2 to one side or the other, no adding up rebounds and assists and minutes played, no fuss, no muss.
Kantowski:The Patriots couldn’t even outscore Happy Hairston, who averaged 14.8 points over 11 NBA seasons.
8. Who will have more: Patriots net yards (plus 1/2) over total combined points by MAAC teams Fairfield, Niagara, Loyola, Canisius, Manhattan and St. Peter’s (risk $110 to win $100).
Haney:Brady might do it himself. In the first half.
Kantowski:The Stags, Purple Eagles, Greyhounds, Golden Griffins, Jaspers and Peacocks combined for 430 points. The greatest offensive juggernaut in the history of pro football managed 274 yards. Bring on Rider and Siena.
9. Who will have more: Jaromir Jagr shots on goal over total sacks in Super Bowl (risk $100 to net $110).
Haney: If Jagr can get to 4 against the Habs, we should be free rolling.
Kantowski:Well, he didn’t get to four. He got to two. And the Pats and Giants got to three by the middle of the second quarter. I should have bet Reggie Dunlop and the Hanson Brothers on the money line.
10. Patriots’ final score to be exactly 4 points (Risk $3 to win $29,997, at odds of 9999-1).
Haney:These odds, at the Las Vegas Hilton, are nearly twice as good as the 5,000-1 at some of those other sports books in town ... and I’m a value player. The license plate on my new car will read, “THX NE.” Or, “2 SFTS.”
Kantowski:After going 0-10 on these bets, the license plate on my old car will still read “TATESUX.” But I’m taking down the little magnetic statue of Jeff Haney and putting Saint Christopher back on my dashboard. And these Asics I’ve been wearing? They’re going back to Foot Locker in the morning.
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